I have been living in Tennessee for three and a half months, and I absolutely love it.
I love my friends.
I love where I live.
I love that one of my best friend's from California moved out here to be my roommate.
I love my church.
I love my co-workers and students.
Truly, I love my life here.
But lately I have been struggling with insecurity and doubt.
Those who know me best know this is uncharacteristic of me. I am sure that this comes with the territory of moving somewhere that I am completely unknown to everyone I come in contact with. Everything I say and do is new: there is no history to me, no story of who I am, no memories that go years back that I can laugh and reminisce with those around me. And at times I have felt utterly alone in the midst of a crowd. I knew these times would come, but there is nothing to do to prepare for them.
As I was driving home tonight from a friend's 30th birthday dinner, I had an epiphany:
I need to stop trying so hard, and just be.
I need to let go and let God do what He wants to do in and through me.
I need to trust that He knows exactly what He is doing. Oh, how trusting in the unknown and unseen has been my never ending struggle.
I need to stop worrying about what others think about me, and be who God created me to be: a loud-laughing, typically optimistic, ball of energy who doesn't mind being the center of attention, but will undoubtedly turn red once I am.
I was reminded tonight at that birthday dinner, surrounded by friends - some new to me as of tonight, some I have known since my first night in Nashville, some that I have become so close with it brings tears of joy to my eyes - that God is so much bigger than I am. I was reminded that I need to stop worrying, and stop trying to control everything in my life in the exact way I want it to go, and let it be.
This is one of the hardest truths for me to grasp: let go and let life happen as it will.
I know that I can't control what will happen in my future,
but I do know that God has a good and perfect plan for me,
and that it will all unfold throughout the duration of my lifetime in His perfect time.
I know that I will at times try to take the reigns back,
and that I will be reminded of this epiphany.
And I am okay with that.
I am confident that I can rest in the arms of my Savior
and trust that He is good.
What a beautiful life I have been given to live.
And what joy a chilly Tennessee Fall day, peppermint soy mocha, and thick scarves bring me!
